Karabiner Mountaineering Club

October 1999 Stories and Articles

Grit Moods:

Kevin Lang Anderson
September 1995

A BANK HOLIDAY TEA PARTY

"Who’s making all that noise," thought the Dormouse as he stretched his tiny limbs. Sleepily he dragged over a stool, stood on tiptoes on top of the seat and pushed up the teapot lid to look out with a half-open eye in the direction of the commotion. The Dormouse had only made the trip with visions of sun soaked granite slabs to lazily climb and perhaps have a nap on top afterwards.

"I’m late. I’m always late," the Grey Rabbit was chanting loudly although no one appeared to be listening. He seemed to be unaware that he had just started to eat the stew that was his evening meal.

In the meantime the others had just finished the washing up.

The March Hare was talking to the Mad Hatter as the latter emptied the contents of the kettle into cups containing tea bags. "Which mountain are we going to climb tomorrow?" he was asking with great legal definition. The Hatter took an impatient swipe though the air killing a thousand midges in the process and then paused listening to the sound of the rain on the roof of the tent. "Happen it depends upon the weather," he answered with the authority of someone who could explain geological time scale to religious fundamentalists.

The March Hare then started to talk at great length about his travels around the world and how he had influenced the draughting of the constitutions of great nations and their institutions whilst remaining politically left with a terrorist streak - a sort of champagne socialist who like to aim the cork at a point where it could do most damage!

Trying not to draw attention to himself the Dormouse was closing the teapot lid carefully and quietly when the Grey Rabbit accidentally kicked over the teapot causing the tiny animal and the lid to be flung across the tent onto an air bed where both bounced in synchronisation as if on a trampoline. The March Hare told the Dormouse that he was very naughty.

Next morning three figures sat in the vehicle at the side of the tent that now boasted its own moat. They were waiting for the Grey Rabbit and watching the rain on the windscreen while the midges tried to pull the doors off the hinges. As they sat there, the sunshine on the western rocky ridges two days before seemed to have been at the beginning of time or five and a half thousand years or whichever was the longer. More poignantly their wet boots reminded them of the strong wind and heavy rain that they had experienced yesterday when scaling the Peak of the Goat. The Dormouse was wondering why they had got up at all and wished he was back in his nice cosy teapot when the Grey Rabbit wandered up and announced that he was late.

The vehicle chugged though the mist and along the road that bisected the island while the occupants tried to imagine the view. All the time the Dormouse dreamed of being asleep in a nice warm and dry teapot. The first stop was at a hotel for morning coffee. The Grey Rabbit was last to finish his coffee.

The second stop was at an inn serving fine ale and tasty comestibles. The Grey Rabbit was too late for the beer and was last to finish his meal. The Mad Hatter was impatient to be off to the next stop, which involved a walk of some sorts although he kindly informed the Grey Rabbit that it did not matter if he was late.

They passed some deer with television aerials on their heads and climbed up onto the moor then the intrepid quartet marched down to the sea. Along and up and down the small band plodded by the shore towards a headland known as the Cock. The March Hare gave a continuous commentary on the semantics and finer points of the sociology, financial structure, legal framework and hut management in relation to the life and times of your average mountaineer who wishes to explore the more moist and midge-ridden reaches of the planet. The Grey Rabbit lagged behind and worried about being late. The Mad Hatter gave a lecture on geological unconformity and produced examples there and then. The Dormouse thought that if he could remember all that had been said it might help him sleep. At one stage they sheltered behind a large boulder until the weather got worst and the Mad Hatter’s patience ran out again. A bedraggled team arrived back and piled into the vehicle and set off back to the campsite amid more rain and misty scenery.

As the vehicle slithered up to the tent, 3 million midges woke up and smacked their lips. The Mad Hatter eyes brightened. "What we need is a nice pot of tea!" he announced.

"Oh! No!" thought the Dormouse in despair. "Just my luck! That will really put a damper on the weekend! There’ll be nowhere to sleep!"

CAST

Mr Williams appears with the permission of the Hassidic Teaching Theatre where he is currently appearing in ‘How to shoehorn the Geological History of the Earth into 5,500 years’ by G. Enesis.

Mr McCallum is currently appearing in 'Have briefs, will travel' anywhere in the world.

Mr Walker gives his apologies for being late.

The Dormouse is sleeping comfortably.

UNCLE B*STARD'S PROBLEM PAGE

All your personal, mountaineering and climbing climbing problems answered by the KMC Newsletter's very own caring and sensitive correspondent. All names, of potentially fictitious individuals - who may not even be members of the club, have been changed to protect the guilty.

Dear Uncle B*stard (or should I call you Auntie?),

Having been photographed semi-nude by Gordon Standhard, should I leave the KMC for a career in modelling?

Arnold Greekbody

Dear Arnold,

You have a nice body all over, unlike most men in the KMC who only have nice bits. Therefore, stop admiring at yourself in the mirror and become my toy-boy.

Yours,

Auntie B.

Dear Uncle B*stard,

I have recently come across a clandestine organisation within the KMC known as the Ladies Luncheon Club. I would like to join but I am concerned about their lack of climbing.

Confused Girlie from South Manchester

Dear Girlie,

Hmm, in this day and age this is a very sensitive subject. I’m concerned that any comment could be construed as sexist. Instead ...in the best tradition of COSMOPOLITAN, here’s a questionnaire for you to fill in:

1. Do you:
• ever get told in great detail by your boyfriend how to make a particular move? (10 points)
• ever tell your boyfriend in detail about a particular move ? (0 points)
• as a result of either of the above no longer have a boyfriend? (2 points)
• think a partner is somebody who holds your rope? (0 points)
2. Which would you do on a serious multi-pitch route
• set up a hanging basket. (10 points)
• set up a hanging belay. (0 points)
• scream for a tight rope. (2 points)
3. Do you think the Enchanted Broccoli Garden is:
• a hanging belay at Gogarth. (0 points)
• a new item on the menu at the Lead Station. (10 points)
• the latest fashion of back garden design in Didsbury and Chorlton. (10 points)
4. Do you think nuts are:
• an aperitif. (10 points)
• an item of protection. (0 points)
• something you need protection from. (2 points)
• something that only appears in your dreams. (10 points)
5. Your normal outdoor attire is:
• tatty Ron Hills and grubby T-shirt. (0 points)
• matching harness, rock boots, chalk bag and eyeliner. (10 points)
• chosen in consultation with the Colour Me Beautiful manual. (10 points)

SCORE:

0-2 points: You are obviously a roughty-toughty mountaineer or climber and therefore you should have nothing to do with the LLC.

2-20 points: you obviously have potential as a climber - contact either Goose (0891 675702) or Wavey (0891 230482) for further information.

20-100 points: You’re obviously already a member of the LLC.

October 1999 Newsletter Index.

Copyright © 1999 Karabiner Mountaineering Club