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February 2000 Stories and Articles
A LETTER FROM BOB MILWARD
NORTH Vancouver
Yearly message to the KMC
: Earlier this year I hit the big 50 !
It is about 10 years
since I seriously rock climbed. I sort of retired after I had clocked
up 50 new routes / freeing of aid routes / variations.
The biggest was about
1000ft, the smallest about 40ft. ( all at Squamish ) The hardest
about 5.11 b ( UK 6A ) the easiest 7-VS ? I still hike about the
mountains and most of my mountaineering is in winter on skis etc.
Weather can get very cold –30c. With wind this can be
unpleasant. Complete strangers have come up to me and said “
excuse me but your nose is white and there’s an icicle hanging
from it.” Mostly weather is mild here in town hardly ever
freezing, but in the mountains it is great for skiing etc.
I had a brief burst of
interest on rock last year and got back to 5.10c ( 5c ) pretty
quickly, but only on rock up to 80°,
steep stuff was definitely out. However in July I took a trip to the
Yukon – a road trip to the Arctic Circle and back. Apart from
catching about 200 fish, we took a backpack trip into the Tombstone
range. Wow! How I want to go and climb a continuous set of peaks and
walls with faces of Chamonix like granite between 1500ft &
2000ft, all untouched – well nearly so. About 12 or 15Km of rock
walls, and the lines! Very little annual precipitation – there
was a place in the Yukon which was never glaciated because of the
extreme “rain shadow” location. I did not have time or
willing partner, but maybe I will start to do 6 months work out to
move the weight from the BIGGUS GUTTUS muscle group to the arm and
shoulder area. Maybe I will just lie in.
I will be over in June
for my mothers 90th birthday but this is in Exmouth, Devon
I do not know if I will get to see you all. My thought frequently
stray to the KMC, often with regret to the friends who have left us,
Time flies.
It is now about 26 or 27
years since I led Phil Kendell up the skull on Cyrn Las one of the
“big routes” then. There was aid on the middle pitch
though, but I bet the sheep skull which stared back at you when you
pulled over onto the first belay is long gone. Similarly, when you
pulled over onto the small belay niche after the crux of cemetery
gates it was to find the stance already occupied by a small plastic
gnome. On Cyrn Las, again when we did Hardings overhanging arette
finish, Tony Dilger, following, ripped the head right off one of the
original pegs while unclipping it from a sheaf of rust flakes.
Another “ grand escapade” which in great humour and without
any great problem was the girdle traverse of the Chromleck in the
pouring rain. It turned out to be a great soggy laugh involving
skyhooks and other devious tricks on right wall including the
consumption of a one pound block of cooking chocolate and a small
bottle of whisky.
I really should stop, all
the old 6a’s get downgraded to 5b I remember a guy in the Padarn
(pub) saying, “ I’m climbing 3 grades harder than 10 years
ago but the grade is still 5c”
Ah well, “Sic
Transit Gloria Mundi”.
(The busses do not run on
bank holiday Mondays)
All the best for 2000
Bob Milward
PS. If anyone wants a dos
on the way through to Squamish please call.
KMC Annual Dinner Speech: 1999 Kevin LANG Anderson
Perhaps it’s a
good idea to have each years annual dinner speech included in the
Newsletter to provide a personal ‘interpretation” of the
club’s activities during that year. Good to look back over in
years to come when we’re all too ancient to move from our
commode.
This isn’t the first
time today I’ve got up off a warm seat with a piece of paper in
my hand!
I’d like to begin by
taking this opportunity to welcome Alan and Jean McGeerie to the
annual dinner and more generally back into the KMC fold. Apparently
the last time Alan attended such an event was in 1966 –
hopefully his return now will signal a similar renaissance in English
football.
I’d also like to
congratulate Joanne and Vinny on their diamond anniversary which
they’re celebrating today – or at least Joanne tells me it
feels that long!
As those of you not
already lost in an alcohol-induced blur of reality and imagery may
have noticed, I’m not the red haired lass from the land of Dana,
Peat Bogs and EU subsidies that was billed as the KMC warm-up act.
For some reason Mary found the prospect of facing the combined wrath
of a well lubricated KMC a too daunting a prospect, and so, in true
Mary Stuart style, rather than simply claim a 24 hour flu bug or some
other minor debilitation, she booked a ticket to some uncharted
corner of Bolivia. And so I’m left here holding the baby.
When, at almost the last
moment Mary, putting on her best lilting Irish brogue, asked if I’d
fill-in for her I was promised copious notes, amusing anecdotes and
detailed accounts of high-altitude adventure. Taken in by her Blarney
and fluttering eyelashes I agreed, only to have a folded bit of paper
thrust in my hand as she boarded her flight. With Mary safely
settling into her fifth G&T at 30 000 feet I unfolded the bit of
paper, presuming it would tell me where to find her slanderous
script, only to discover five scribbled points, “give Chris
Williamson hell, -- preface all comments with ‘allegedly’,
-- you’re on after the grub, -- don’t let the truth get in
the way of a good story, - and give Chris Williamson hell”. Not
quite what I’d hoped for!!! Left with few options I went down
the pub last Thursday and, with notebook and pen in hand, proceeded
to weadle a few ‘stories’ out of those present – so if
you think my speech biased in any way, or you’re character
unfairly besmirched, it’s your own fault for not being there to
represent your home-grown prejudices, gripes and malicious rumours.
Tradition seems to
dictate that the KMC after dinner bit be a side-splittingly funny
attack on ourselves and our vertical failings. However, I want to
break with this a little and focus more on our successes and
achievements – this offers two benefits, first, it significantly
reduces the length of the speech, and second I think as a club we
have a lot to be proud of – both as a possy of personalities and
as a collection of climbers
The past year has seen
KMC members active in a wealth of ‘outdoor’ activities both
locally and globally – some legal, some still subject to
subjudicy and some others simply too sordid and salacious to be
regaled to such a sensitive and upstanding audience as yourselves.
So what’s been
happening within our shores?
Well, following the
dictat of Heir Mary, lets start with Chris Williamson’s fine
example of Big Wall climbing. As I’m sure you’re all aware
Chris has notched up more vertical hours in 1999 than all us
remaining KMC members put together. What’s perhaps even more
impressive is the shear dogged determination, dedication and shear
absence of imagination demonstrated by our own home grown Jo 90, as
virtually all these arduous hours were spent on one epic siege of the
White Peak’s answer to the Nose of El Cap. Sergonia is a
demanding, if slightly over-graded, Hard Severe soaring ’50
feet’ above Chee Tor’s gently rolling banks of lush green
flora – a route so ahead of its time and awe inspiring that
Plasy Brenan save it for the afternoon of their one day pre-school
climbing course. To help you really savour the seriousness of this
route just bear in mind that Rocine hesitated slightly before soloing
up to clean the holds in preparation for Chris’s ascent. Anyway,
to cut a long factual account short, a patient Sabina belayed him for
the first 11 feet, before a slim Brigette took over. Still belaying
she was joined one night, very briefly, by Roger, and later, while
Chris struggled through the 4a crux, Brigette, ever-vigilante,
managed to give birth to a baby boy. This minor aside was soon
followed with Chris, now sporting a 3 foot beard, finally topping
out!
And what of Chris’s
next adventure? Well, with his almost legendary night out on Idwal
and now this first – Chris is certainly bringing the full
Himalayan atmosphere to our local Crags. He asked me to mention that
he’s currently looking for sherpers for his next project, a
siege ascent of the 6 move Christmas Tree problem at Glossop Wall –
you’ll need plenty of food, a couple of weeks off work, and
several good books.
Continuing with the theme
of daring deeds, KMC’s 007 agent - Alois Rudolf Metelko,
(Al to all of us) also put in a sterling performance with his final
completion of the infamous back wall traverse at Hobby Moor. Whilst
this achievement eclipsed Als other UK ventures, it is also worth
noting that he made clean ascents of The Strand at Gogarth and
several E2s at Pembroke – using a total of three runners between
them all! To complement all this upward and sideways climbing Al also
did a bit of the 32ft/sec/sec downward stuff when taking a 25’
whipper off the crux of Slape Direct on the Grochan – thankfully
his rope snagged over a small spike as Al’s runners tend to be
more aesthetic than functional.
Talking of gravity, our
resident Jock also came a cropper in North Wales – this time on
Gogarth. Sheena and Nevil had beaten this bunch of Essex boys onto
the cliff and whilst the Trev and Chaz types sat at the foot of the
route discussing the merits of various Capri door trims, Sheena and
Nevil attempted to beat Pantin into submission. With Sheena just a
few more aid points from success her ettriers popped, a loud crack
echoed round the cliffs followed by a blood curdling rumble as a
block the size of Goose’s ego hurtled earthwards. Whilst Nevil’s
stitch earned its keep by plucking a cursing Scot from her plummeting
predicament, the rock reunited with mother earth shattering into a
myriad of football size fragments. Unfortunately one of the Essex
boys, a bit muddled by the calamity, thought he was at Stamford
Bridge and tried heading one of the fragments. Thankfully his Mum had
bought him one of those state of the art Camp climbing lids, this
combined with the genetic disposition of Essex types meant he escaped
with nowt but what us northern folk would consider minor cuts and
bruises – but, believe it or not, this southern softy has
actually gone for litigation – not that he could spell it!!
A rather more successful
venture during the KMCs year was the ascent of Longlands on Cloggy by
that valiant partnership of Colin and Duncan. Quite how Colin managed
to persuade Duncan that Cloggy was actually a roadside crag remains a
mystery – though the fact that their ascent was on a hazy Sunday
following last years Christmas bash may explain the collapse of
Duncan’s resolve not to build-up his legs though unnecessary
walking. The conditions for the climb were as you might expect for a
mountain crag in December, – a cold damp start followed by a
good soaking just as they got above the last easy abseil point. All
good character building stuff that feels great in retrospect and
rewards you with the opportunity to wear a smug smile when talking to
us whimps who spent the afternoon pathetically ambling between
Llanberis’s various climbing-gizmo shops.
Not to be out done, 1999
also saw the other half of the Whalley bridge Café in fine
form. With our skin bathed in an early summer sun and the Pembroke
air filled with frisky guilimots, the scent of wild garlic and the
sound of the sea, Sabina abed into Huntsmans to attempt her first E2.
Thirty minutes later, sporting a beaming grim, she pulled over the
top of Shape Up. This was a clean ascent in graceful style – the
only dubious tactic being pre-placed squares of chocolate
strategically located throughout the route.
Having provided a potted
account of various home based goings-on, I now want to proceed to:
Adventures beyond the boundaries of the English Channel.
I’ll start by saying
a few things about the exploits of this evenings illustrious, though
absent, KMC speaker. Mary Stuart, often in the company of Chris
Ivory, and occasionally Anne Wooly, has certainly played her part in
making the KMC a household name, uttered, usually in disbelief, on
the lips of Jordanians, Bolivians and the many other strange tongues
covered by her and Chris’s interpretation of the OS Snowdonia
map. With few exceptions, each route this intrepid pair endeavoured
to ascend became an epic, be it the Soaring Cracks and slabs of some
virgin WadiRum cliff, the Culin Ridge, or the Purple tags at
Warrington Wall. There is clearly no doubt that this partnership
extolled that essential mountaineering mix of adventure tempered with
reckless planning, poor navigation, the hearts of several lions and a
full rack of Lepricorns – long may their daring deeds be the
stuff of KMC legend.
Next on the KMC’s
International hit list is another of Ireland’s émigrés
Ms Joan Stewart. This relatively new face has put many of us old
hands to shame with what can only be described as a prolific year of
foreign exploits. Christmas saw her in fierce combat with Thailand’s
gruelling overhangs, snakes, spiders and scorpions, this was shortly
followed by her losing her Winter virginity to several Scottish Grade
4s in the company of that old seasoned goat Al Metelko. Soon after
Joan was putting in a rake of fine performances on Spain’s
beautiful Spring rock before departing for the headier adventure of a
seasons climbing in Canada. Here, as well as ascending many of
Squarmish’s fine crack lines, she learnt a wealth of unusual
rope techniques (probably of considerable use in Linda Crossley’s
line of work) and took numerous photos of Beautiful Canadian scenery,
each one sporting a different hunky male leaning provocatively
against an ‘A’ Team style van – it’s from these
hunks that she learnt her rope tricks!!
Staying with that part of
the globe, when doing my sleuth bit at the Crown and Anchor I asked
Rick what Ruth and he had got up to? Forthcoming and eloquent as ever
he replied with “Ay up, we climbed a bit you know, happen”.
Pushed further I found that Ruth and our Gallant President spent many
fine days climbing classic routes in the land of the Cigar, the
Stained dress and a Foreign Policy reminiscent of the Mongol Hoards.
Keeping up the British end our intrepid couple lent support to the
old adage that only Mad Dogs and Englishwomen go out in the Midday
sun by climbing Desert Tower in the middle of August – with Rick
no doubt still wearing his Jeans! Knowing that Rick had buggered
fingers I enquired as to what grand achievements Ruth had made in the
past year, “nowt” was his first reply, followed by
an obviously incredulous memory flashing through his mind, “happen,
she did learn to jam, I, and even climbed several tricky crack
pitches”.
The onslaught of our
colonial cousins crags continued with a visit by that sterling
Whalley Bridge pair of Sabina and our home grown version of Keith
Richards. Levitating through an ethereal cloud of burning leaves Sab
and Duncan got high on many routes and even managed a bit of climbing
– ticking off the Devils Tower and various other crags around
the Mid West.
A bit nearer home, though
still abroad , found Alois Rudolf active both with axe and rubber.
Perhaps his most inspiring achievement last winter occurred during
one of his infamously mad dashes to that Independent Republic just
North of Carlisle. On this occasion he returned to the Northwest
having bagged a solo ascent (aren’t all Al’s routes!!) of
Mega-Route X – a grade 6 ‘ard mens climb on the Ben. In
many respects though, Al is a man of the mountains, so perhaps more
impressive were his numerous ascents in the Costa Duarada – with
him managing many fine clips, a few fumbles, and, a particularly
tricky red point. I’d also like to pay tribute here to Al’s
environmental conscience in avoiding any contact with either soap or
water throughout the full two weeks we spent on the Spanish cliffs, -
though flying back in the cargo hold was a tad uncomfortable.
Rumours of several other
foreign exploits reached my ears, but unfortunately were not
supported with corroborating evidence. In short, I was told that “Jim
has no doubt walked round Greenland again” though there was a
rider to this tale that rather find himself on Greenland’s
Mountains he alighted from the plane only to find himself, through
some arial cock-up, in the Netherlands? Pete Walker, Keith Williams
and Chris Thickett risked life and limb on Italy’s rusting via
ferrata, Dave Dillon and Christine Beeston had a trip to the Alps –
more rock jock stuff than flailing axes and crampons from what I
hear. Mark and Michelle molested Orangutangs in Borneo. Nevil and
Sheena exhibited early symptoms of Marious Stuartous when they got
completely lost somewhere between Austria and Yugoslavia. And
finally, lots of folk exchanged Salford and Warrington walls for
sun-soaked visits to Spain.
On a non-climbing front
several exciting events have occurred during 1999.
Firstly the KMC has
acquired a new wardened hut at Stavely in the Lakes, free
accommodation, home cooked food and a warm welcome anytime day or
night.
As mentioned earlier,
Bridget and Roger had, despite Bridget’s best efforts, a baby
boy. To which Dr Mary Stuart was heard to enquire “was
Bridget present at the birth?”
Rob Alan was discovered
interfering with a couple of minors – unfortunately for him the
parents were in the front seats at the time and weren’t taken in
by his rather limp excuse that he was just passing through. Anyway
he’s out on bail now, though his name has been included on one
of those lists!
Just prior to going into
print I heard that Mr Goose had fallen in love – apparently it
was all a mistake and actually just his reflection in the bathroom
mirror. On the rebound from this traumatic shock he met a beautiful
Russian Princess whose visa was unfortunately about to expire, it was
lust at first sight, and an hour later they were married. Watch this
space for news on forthcoming goslings!
Finally, as can be seen
from this potted history, 1999 has been a time of much climbing and
adventure both at home and further afield. That said, for myself and
I’m sure all of us here, my enduring memory of the year is of
Norah’s memorial, and indeed of her life in emphasising the real
value of the relationships and comradeship embedded in the club –
values that we all too often take for granted.
And so to the Guest
Speaker.
Not knowing Andy
personally, I decided to e mail a deep throat source at the BMC to
find out a bit about this likely lad. This next bit is a direct quote
from that source:
Dirt on Andy, well,
there's soooo much to tell. Here are a few that I'm sure he won't
mind (too much).
Andy has always denied
that he is in fact ginger, but we have proof. An active member of
Leeds University climbing club, Andy once let his enthusiasm get the
better of him, and clambered up scaffolding propped up against the
Town Hall one night whilst coming home from the pub. He and his chums
didn't notice that St James hospital was directly opposite, and the
police were quickly called. He was arrested, officially classed as
ginger, and a highly uncomfortable night in the cells followed. The
non gingers were released somewhat earlier.
Turned up at the Old
Dungeon Gyhll in a leather mini-skirt for a Leeds club dinner
entitled "Deviance". Looked pretty good too, but chaos
ensued when he was chucked out into the public bar, much to the lake
district farmers delight.
Rolled the minibus on the
way up to Scotland, just outside Leeds. Massive damage, people and
gear all over the road. Immediately nipped into the nearest pub, had
a swift half, ordered a hire car and continued up for a top weekend.
Leaving assorted students and ice gear strewn all over the A65.
His 30th birthday party
caused structural damage to the house, and fractured a gas main in
the basement, which the neighbours noticed just in time before the
house blew up, meanwhile as the front garden wall was getting knocked
down, Andy was busy lining up all the girls for a birthday kiss.
However in his advancing
age he is calming down, and now concentrates his energies on maximum
consumption of Chardonnay and occasionally knocking up the odd copy
of Summit magazine.
And so, without further
ado, I give you Andy McNae.
UNCLE B*STARD'S PROBLEM PAGE
All your personal,
mountaineering and climbing climbing problems answered by the KMC
Newsletter's very own caring and sensitive correspondent. All names,
of potentially fictitious individuals - who may not even be members
of the club, have been changed to protect the guilty.
Dear Uncle B*stard,
I am writing to you as
one of the most elderly and experienced members of this Club. Imagine
my dismay when, upon seeking shelter in a distant cosy moorland cave,
in the company of a young lady, I was greeted by a substantial number
of KMC members. Given as I am Not Long for This World, can’t an
old lech be left in peace?
Your ‘Ever Rambling Correspondent’
Dear ‘Ever Rambling Correspondent’,
1. As you’d doubtless consumed a whole bottle of Famous Grouse the
night before - what an impressive feat to get as far as you did!
2. Did the young lady’s
mother know she was out with you?
3. Seeing as I’ve never managed to get a young lady alone in the cave, I
don’t see why you should.
4. You seem to have
overlooked the fact it was your meet!
Best regards, Uncle B.
Dear Uncle B*stard,
For the first nine months
of this year my climbing has been increasingly restricted. This has
been due to a large lump appearing on my abdomen. Having recently
been relieved of this disruption, I would be grateful if you could
suggest some ways of using it as a belay device.
Yours,
Jolly Jodhpurs of
Cheshire
Dear Jolly Jodhpurs of
Cheshire,
Here are some
suggestions:
1. Haven’t you got a
husband you can leave the lump with?
2. The lump could come in useful for protecting serious off-width cracks.
Make sure it is tightly wrapped in a plastic bag first.
3. More humanly, Mothercare do a good range of climbing harnesses.
It’ll soon be big
enough for you to use as a belay bunny.
For a peaceful day at the
crag, I’m all for option 2.
Uncle B.
Dear Uncle B,
My dreams are shattered.
Having recently joined the KMC, I thought it would be a
way-cool-thing to hang-out with the Ladies Luncheon Club. Did the
questionnaire in the last newsletter, but I just don’t fit the
Scene - Sayz I’m a roughty/toughty mountaineer or climber so I
should stay well out the way of the LLC. I’m in despair - is it
really not possible to be a serious climber and a member of the LLC
at the same time?
Yours confused,
Erica Youngblood
PS Are you my real Uncle
or my Uncle’s short and balding ex-landlord?
Yo Erica,
Hoorrray!!! Another
serious climber joins the KMC. However, I might have slightly misled
you in suggesting that the LLC has anything to do with climbing.
Though you never know, next years Cotswold Outdoor gear colours may
just suit the LLC membership?
Sorry ‘niece’,
but my identity has to remain a closely guarded secret.
‘Uncle’ B.
This issue - All requests
for advice to Uncle B*stard to:
rob.allen@eng.royalsun.com
Apologies to all of last
months correspondents who tried to get in touch with Auntie B through
Margaret Williams - We’d like to point out that the CAB doesn’t
handle these kind of personal issues, though Margaret is still taking
hut booking. Animals, however, aren’t allowed inside.
The Uncle B. KMC
Millennium Quiz!!
(Multiple choice, I
thought I would keep it simple for you!)
Which KMC doctor recently asked whether the
mother was present at the birth?
A. Dr Sabina ‘that’s
where spaghetti comes from?’ Cosulich
B. Dr Mary-Potato-Stuart
C. Dr ‘Uncle?’
Rob Allen
D. Dr Jeremy
Thunder-thighs Engineer
Which new KMC member has most damaged the age
profile of the Club?
A. Young Heather Brooke
B. Very old John Dobson
C. Dave ‘Malcolm’
Garland - of completely indeterminate age.
D. Joan Stuart - is she
really only just twenty one?
- Which KMC member was
recently very audibly instructing young children in the use of bad language?
A. Bridget F#&!÷%
Mapleson
B. Dave B@$?#*% Garland
C. Linda ????? Crossley
D. Craig ‘It’s
a technical climbing term’ Marsden
- Which KMC doctor recently flew to Bolivia to avoid giving a speech at the annual dinner?
A. Kevin Anderson
B. Dr Mary Stuart
C. Peter Leeson
D. Neville McMillan
- Which KMC member forced his fair maiden to camp in the rain despite getting a free dinner?
A. Dave Bone?
B. Al Metelko??
C. John Dobson???
D. Jo Flynn (as long as
Lester counts as a fair maid!)
Which KMC member would most easily find Planet Zorg?
A. David ‘earth
calling’ Dillon
B. Andrew Croughton with
his GPS
C. Michelle Harvey with
her map-reading skills
D. Dave ‘I’ve
got a very large refractor’ Wylie.
- Which KMC member set the night on fire?
A. The Health and Safety Wylie Committee
B. Sheena Hendrie dancing naked on the table save for a thistle between her
teeth and a small quantity of tartan home-spun.
C. Sue ‘I’ve an enormous bonfire’ Brooke
D. Frank Dobson (or was it John?) or should it be Ken??
Which KMC member has the loudest snore?
(Bonus points for naming the member who’s slept with all of them to find out!)
A. Dave Wittingham -
Blew the hut windows out!!!
B. Linda Crossley -
Cleared the dorm!!
C. Rob Allen - Severe
earth tremors!
D. Lynn Williams - Light ziz?
Answers to be published in the next edition of this Esteemed Organ.
February Newsletter Index.
Copyright © 2000 Karabiner Mountaineering Club
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