Karabiner Mountaineering Club

June 2000 Stories and Articles

UNCLE B*STARD'S PROBLEM PAGE

All your personal, mountaineering and climbing problems answered by the KMC Newsletter's very own caring and sensitive correspondent. All names, of potentially fictitious individuals - who may not even be members of the club, have been changed to protect the guilty.

Dear Uncle B*stard,

I’d like your assistance with a navigational problem. I am perplexed as to how many times it is necessary to cross the Seven Bridges to get from Cardiff to the Wye Valley? My navigator, Cliff Edale, insists that only two crossings are necessary, one by each of the bridges! I consulted a few KMC members and received the following estimates:

Michelle (Dr) Harvie: 28

Sue (Where the f**k am I) Brooke: 4

Wavey (What Bridge) Davey: 0, the answer’s, err... FISH!

Alan Wylie - Don’t clog up my email with this!

Yours,

Disoriented of Salford

Dear Disoriented of Salford,

What the #&*£ were you doing in Cardiff in the first place?

Your ever helpful, Uncle B.

Dear Uncle B.,

I am thoroughly miffed - my recent application for membership of the Caravan Club has been refused. I am writing in the hope that your tremendous influence can be brought to bare on this problem?

Yours,

Johanna O’Cornetto.

Dear Johanna,

Could I suggest you remove the moaning old fart from your van and concentrate on selling ice-creams.

Uncle B.

P.S. mine’s a 99 (!).

Dear Uncle B.,

I am increasingly concerned about the quality of navigation in the KMC. In previous years, Club members have at least found the start of the fell race before getting lost.

Yours,

Alan ‘Birkenhead’ Smith

Dear Alan,

Don’t complain. At least Michelle Harvie got there (via crossing the Seven Bridge 28 times).

Must dash, Uncle B.

P.S. Congratulations to Mark Garrod for finally winning the women’s trophy!

Auntie B.’s TOP TIPS

Mr Sheena removes those stubborn blood stains. As approved by the UIAA technical committee.

Suffering from insomnia? Try belaying Chris Williamson.

Bored, listless, looking for excitement? Ring Mary Stuart before 10.00am.

Going to Patagonia? Don’t forget to tell your wife!

Sensitive eyes in bright summer sunshine? Don’t stand too close to the dazzling Slap-head Allen.

Stop your VSessa going Hard. Keep your rack at home.

Don’t risk your baby rolling down the hill. Wedge it in a handy off-width.

Looking for somebody desperate? Contact Dave.

President’s thought for the month

‘That is my arse and it is not worth entering’.

June Newsletter Index.

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